There is no shortage of stories these days about our legal system being overloaded by frivolous lawsuits — from the woman awarded $2 million dollars because she spilled McDonald’s coffee on herself to the prisoner who sued the prison because he wanted smooth peanut butter and the prison gave him crunchy instead.
But it’s not really true.
For one thing, some of them aren’t really “frivolous” lawsuits; the McDonald’s case, for example, has been wildly misrepresented by those, especially large companies, who want to muzzle damages lawsuits by individuals. And “frivolous” implies “frivolity” — laughter, merrymaking, gaiety. Anyone who’s ever gotten involved in a lawsuit (even a frivolous one) knows that they don’t involve laughter, merrymaking, or gaiety.
We need a better name. Maybe lawsuits that are truly without merit should be called “stupid lawsuits,” or “ridiculous lawsuits” . . . or just plain “meritless lawsuits.” At the very least, if a lawsuit really is “frivolous,” the plaintiff should have to throw confetti, wear a party hat, and sing to the judge while presenting his case.
Still, some cases do fit in both categories. John Kazmaier, for instance, tried to file a lawsuit that was completely without legal merit yet still fairly amusing — as in “frivolous.”
In 1983, Kazmaier wanted to file a lawsuit in a Wisconsin federal district court against the Central Intelligence Agency, the U.S. Department of Justice, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and, just in case he missed anybody, the United States Government as a whole. Not an extravagant person, however, Kazmaier asked the court to waive his filing fees. Because that request had to be approved by a judge, Kazmaier’s request was forwarded to the court’s senior district judge.
In the opinion that resulted, the judge explained that Kazmaier’s complaint “sets forth in great detail the alleged wrongdoings of the defendants. Generally stated, Mr. Kazmaier claims that the CIA has subjected him to brainwashing and torture attacks since 1965 through the use of satellite beams, portable dental laser equipment, and other such incidents. As a result of these attacks, he contends that his high school career was ruined, he was prevented from receiving his college degree, his right ankle was broken and he suffered tremendous agony. He seeks $7,308,089,250,000.00 in damages, employment as the director and assistant director of the FBI, protection from assassins, authorization to carry concealed weapons” and various other things.
The judge elaborated that “in several letters to the court, Mr. Kazmaier has ‘ordered’ me to provide him with ridiculously large sums of money as loans or advances against his future court award.” Well, that last part certainly doesn’t make it frivolous; many perfectly legitimate lawsuits seek ridiculously large sums of money, too.
On the other hand, Kazmaier may have been on to something by trying to borrow from the judge. After all, if you’re going to borrow ridiculously large sums of money, who better than from the judge who’s ultimately going to rule on your case? It would certainly give him an incentive to protect his “investment” by throwing a favorable ruling your way, right?
But that wasn’t all. Besides the money, Kazmaier also “ordered” the judge immediately to fill a large order of some everyday household items that you probably have around the house. These included a 25-layer Kevlar bullet-proof vest with protection of both front and rear of body; a .357 magnum revolver with a right hand shoulder holster, preferably with a four-inch barrel; a selective fire Beretta type 92 pistol in a left-hand shoulder holster; a 9mm Uzi Submachine gun with 5 large magazines, in a soft-side case with a zipper top; an M-16 rifle with 5 large magazines, caliber .223; and a .380 or a .32 ACP Gatling gun with one or more medium or large ammopak magazines.
Kazmaier’s lawsuit suggests he was a paranoid nut case — but he sure knew his weaponry.
In addition to all of the firepower, he also “ordered” the judge to provide him with a United States Marshal’s Service Badge and I.D. set, and a bullet-proof car, such as the four-door Lincoln that the President is chauffeured around in. But the judge decided that Kazmaier’s proposed lawsuit “falls easily into the ‘frivolous’ category.” He ordered that, if Kazmaier wanted to pursue his case, he would have to pay the filing fees himself.
This ruling certainly helps to explain why certain cases clog the courts. The judge had already decided that Kazmaier’s case was meritless. But he was still going to allow the case to go forward so long as Kazmaier simply paid his own filing fees.
Yes — it’s a good thing federal judges are appointed for life.
Frank Zotter, Jr. is a Ukiah attorney.
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