A “dark empath” is a term that has entered the lexicon recently, namely through the media and social media platforms, but it is gaining steam. It’s not a term that a therapist would use to formally diagnose someone, but in general, a dark empath is defined as “someone who appears very concerned and pretends to connect with you on an emotional level, but their motivation is manipulation,” says licensed therapist Shay DuBois. She goes on to say that dark empaths are people who would most likely qualify for a diagnosis such as a narcissist or even a psychopath, explaining, “They understand others’ emotions, but don't feel them. The behavior is about forming a one-sided deep connection and understanding, but they lack the actual emotional bond behind it, with the end game about their personal gain.” While dark empaths are very similar to narcissists, as mentioned, what sets them apart is their intention to weaponize empathy to serve themselves. “It’s a newly recognized personality type that highlights how empathy, when misused, can have a much more ominous side,” says Amber Robinson, psychotherapist and owner of A Road Through Therapy Group. Related: 11 Subtle Signs of Narcissism That Are Easy to Miss, According to PsychologistsHow Dark Empaths Can Impact Relationships
“There can be a lot of blame and shame, but it isn't your fault,” DuBois reassures. “If you find that you are often targeted, talking to a therapist can help you learn how to recognize dark empaths before you get involved.”You should also know that you can’t really “fix” a dark empath, no matter how much you care, as Robinson points out, adding that a dark empath has to go on their own journey.But there are phrases you can be aware of, so you can deal with these individuals accordingly. This can also help you decide if you’ve simply had enough of a person’s dark empath ways, and it might be time to say goodbye—and if you feel that it could be an unsafe situation, this is when you call upon trusted people to help sever the connection, call upon the expertise of a therapist or even reach out to local authorities if necessary.Related: 6 Inner Child Wounds That Affect Adult Relationships, According to a Psychologist
“This is often a dark empath’s first real test of manipulation,” Robinson says. “They’ll say something like this to test your boundaries and expectations. It might sound like a compliment, but it’s not.” She adds, “When someone tells you you’re too good for them, take it as a promise, not praise. They’re essentially admitting they see your worth but have no intention of rising to meet your standards.”
4. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Robinson explains that this phrase isn’t an apology, saying, “A dark empath uses these deflecting phrases to shift the focus away from their actions and make you question whether your feelings are valid. Essentially, they’re trying to gaslight you into thinking your needs or reactions are the real problem, not their behavior.”Since this isn’t a genuine apology, Robinson says that it’s okay to calmly point out that fact or choose not to engage at all. “A real apology takes accountability for actions and acknowledges how those actions impacted you,” she shares.Related: 105 Toxic People Quotes To Help Get Rid of the Negativity in Your Life
6. “That’s not how it happened.”
“A big part of dark empath behavior is gaslighting,” DuBois notes. “This is getting you to question your memory and understanding of events. This can be about even very small things, but the intention is to keep the other person questioning themselves.” One simple way to respond is by saying, “We are just going to have to agree to disagree.” DuBois says, “There is no use in getting into a debate with someone about how events happened. Remember, the intent is to cause uncertainty and manipulation.”Related: Why You Shouldn't Ignore These 6 Common 'Brightsiding' Phrases, Psychologists Warn
8. “How would you survive without me?”
DuBois says that this phrase is all about creating dependency, which keeps the dark empath’s partner feeling as if they need the relationship for survival. In general, for this, DuBois says that it’s important to respond with an abundance of caution, with your safety in mind. But she says that it’s important to remember that you were okay before the relationship, and can be again if you decide to walk away.
Related: 11 Manipulation Tactics Narcissists Use—and How To Spot the Earliest Signs
Sources
Shay DuBois, licensed therapistAmber Robinson, psychotherapist and owner of A Road Through Therapy Group Read More Details
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