Kirk is the founder of Turning Point USA, a nonprofit advocacy group that promotes Christian conservatism in high schools and universities. He advocates for a return to the heterosexual nuclear family, called George Floyd a “scumbag,” and once said that birth control is making “young ladies” “angry and bitter.” You know the type.
In my humble opinion, this decision spectacularly backfired, and Kirk got sweetly roasted like the Thanksgiving turkey he is. I learned two things after watching the debate: firstly, Oxbridge students are much, much smarter than I am, and two, ultra conservative mouthpieces such as Kirk, like to try and discredit the concept of “toxic masculinity” by shouting about “toxic femininity” in the hope of pointing out a double standard at work.
As with most things to do with gender politics, the modern meaning shifts depending on whom you are talking to. For example, for someone like Kirk, toxic femininity seems to mean any woman he doesn’t like, which, from where I am sat, seems to be any woman who doesn’t forgo her own career to bear children and read the bible. He also talks about the “hyper-feminist West” which he defines as “speech police, feelings first, emotions over reason, over individualism.”
I should probably say here that I am not a huge fan of either term for the very simple reason that the existence of toxic masculinity/femininity suggests that there is a “good” counterpart to each. Personally, I find the idea of a “right” or “correct” version of femininity quite uncomfortable. A better preface to both would be “traditional” or “hyper”, and indeed these are the preferred terms used in psychology studies. However, and putting semantics aside, understanding how extreme expressions of traditional gender roles creates a toxic environment for everyone is very important.
Over the years, theorists built on this work, considering other elements such as emotions being perceived as weak. Eventually, this led to the term “toxic masculinity”, but all that really means is traditionally masculine traits being performed to extremes that they cause harm. The crisis in men’s mental health? Toxic masculinity. Three women a week being murdered by a partner or former partner? Toxic masculinity. The rejection of anything perceived as feminine? Toxic masculinity. It isn’t attacking men but rather the limiting set of behaviours that have come to define what being a “real man” is and their social consequences.
The hyper-femininity inventory is also based around three variables: that “relationships with men are of primary importance, physical attractiveness and/or sexuality can be ‘used’ to help secure or preserve a romantic relationship, and preference for traditional patterns of sexual behaviour in men.” So rather than toxic femininity being the widespread adoption of traditionally “feminine” qualities as Mr Kirk assumed, it actually means women who fall in line with the outdated concept of male superiority and do so by turning up the dial on stereotypically feminine qualities.
It’s actually pretty easy to find and identify the blatant examples of toxic femininity. The “trad wife” movement is a good example, pretty much anything the Carrie character from Sex in the City does is another. But, identifying it and guarding against it within yourself is a different thing entirely.
But women have a great deal to unpick within themselves when it comes to challenging the patriarchy and their role within it. We are all still subject to powerful cultural conditioning that reinforces the traditional gender roles, albeit in subtler ways. Women are still taught that beauty is their greatest attribute. Women are still bombarded with messages that finding a man and having his babies is the most important thing they can do. We are still groomed to be selfless, “feminine” care givers, providing support for everyone but ourselves.
I used to make understanding and identifying toxic femininity a discussion point when I taught university students, and it always made for a very interesting session. Someone would usually suggest the “Karen” trope of an angry middle aged, white woman was an example of toxic femininity, others would point to examples of sexualised popstars. Both of which I would say are toxic femininity adjacent, but not really examples where someone is drawing on traditional markers of femininity to uphold the patriarchy.
So, the next time you hear anyone try to make the argument that no one ever talks about “toxic femininity”, you can smugly tell them that this is a well-documented phenomenon and has been studied for the last 30 years. Although I would caution you against having any kind of conversation with someone who says things like that because they are most likely the kind of person who demands you know why there isn’t an International Men’s Day every International Women’s Day. There is, by the way, it’s 19 November.
It’s always worth remembering that discussion around either toxic masculinity or femininity is not about criticising the respective genders, but rather the behaviours we associate with them when performed to an extreme.
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