This week’s admission? That she ranks her friends. Talking to co-host Miquita Oliver (also allowed to continue broadcasting when I rule the world) on the Did You Miss Me? podcast, Lily said: “I create lists of people who I like in order of how much I like them. I send that list to my assistant and ask her to schedule the time for me to have FaceTimes with them.”
I certainly have rankings in my friendships. But I’ve gone one step further – I’ve got a relegation zone at the bottom of the ranking, and if someone spends too long in that zone, they’re bumped off the list entirely.
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I went out at least four nights a week, and if I couldn’t fill a weekend with at least three different social plans from Friday through Sunday, then I felt like an abject failure. Having lots of friends was a stamp of approval: proof that I was good and likeable and valid, no matter if those friendships were bitchy, one-sided, or occasionally toxic.
I’m too old to spend an evening with a mate who wants to hear the gory details about my divorce but not the exciting developments in the play I’m writing. So, if I have two bad social events in a row with someone, I move them to the bottom of my priority list. Three, and they’re relegated. I like myself more than I ever used to, and I only want to spend time with people who feel similarly positive about me.
Relegating a friend shouldn’t be confused with a friendship break-up. Break-ups have an emotional toll: they’re the end of the relationship and they’re usually accompanied by some kind of acrimony. I harbour no ill will towards most of my relegated semi-friends. I still like them – we’ve just fallen out of the habit of making an effort towards each other, leaving a sort of benevolent vacuum.
In every other area of our lives, a balance between retention and decluttering is considered a good thing. Clearing out your wardrobe every year, changing jobs when you’ve stopped progressing, trying a new hobby when you’re bored of the old one – change is broadly considered to be healthy. I’m not sure why our friendships are supposed to be exempt from that.
Long-term friendships are magic, as long as they continue to grow and fit the person that you are today. Otherwise, they should be nudged towards the back of the line. Not blocked or removed entirely, just politely placed towards the bottom of the list, which as Lily Allen knows, we all secretly have.
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