First, let’s normalize the empty nester experience. Whatever you’re feeling, you’re far from the only one.“In my work as a therapist, I've supported individuals who feel grief, relief, sadness and even confusion about who they are now and after their child leaves,” saysRacheal Turner, MS, LPC, a trauma-focused counselor who’s the owner and clinical director of Turning Points Counseling. “One of the most common feelings is a deep sense of grief, not just the absence of their child’s daily presence, but the loss of a role they’ve held for so long.”Kenza El Machkour, a therapist in Canada who’s well-versed in this topic, has also noticed a sense of disorientation due to that major life change. “It’s not just about ‘missing them,’” she says. “It’s often an identity shift… It’s common for this life stage to bring up questions like, ‘Who am I now?’ or 'Did I do it right?’”Positive feelings and experiences can arise too, though. Turner says parents may rediscover old passions, nurture meaningful relationships and reconnect with personal goals—and we’ll discuss that more in a bit.Related: 18 Phrases To Use With Your Adult Kids That Will Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists
7 Things Empty Nesters Wish They Said Sooner to Their Kids, According to Therapists
2. "I didn’t model self-care very well."
Oftentimes, caregivers don’t focus on personal self-care because they're busy caring for others—and they worry it shows. “The realization that they haven’t modeled the importance of self-care for their kids often comes after they’ve moved out, so they cannot show them this action,” Kelly says. “Examples of this include enjoying a quiet moment before life gets busy, appreciating a sunset [or] showing them peace.”
4. "I wish I had talked to them more about finances."
Whether it’s investing tips or a reminder to think about retirement early, anything and everything finance is another big one, according to Kelly. Parents may be so used to taking care of their child financially—and seeing their child as, well, a child—that considering a financial conversation didn’t come up. That makes sense.
6. "Let’s talk more about what you need from me."
Getting a child ready for college, marriage, the military or wherever they're going can be a busy, mind-consuming thing in which parents forget to offer future support. They may also wish they had suggested or asked their child more than they “told.”“Some empty nesters wish they had asked more open-ended, emotionally attuned questions instead of offering advice or solutions,” El Machkour says.
Begin Accepting That Your Role Is Going To Change
You’re still a parent and always will be. But what that looks like will be different—and that’s okay. “I encourage them to approach this new dynamic with curiosity and openness, shifting from directing to trusting, from advising to asking,” Turner says. “It’s about allowing their child to step fully into adulthood while staying emotionally present in a supportive, respectful way.”This transition can be one of the hardest, she validates, but it can be rewarding too. She’s found that once parents view their children as capable individuals with paths to follow, the relationship becomes more authentic and connected. “Small changes, like listening without immediately offering solutions, can go a long way in building a lasting, meaningful relationship,” she adds. “With intention and support, it can become a deeply meaningful time of growth for both parent and child.”Related: 10 Phrases To Avoid With Your Adult Kids To Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists
Tell Them Now
While, ideally, you would have told them those things sooner, it doesn’t mean it’s too late to do so now. In fact, it might be more effective now.“Sometimes, young people don’t care to hear their parents’ opinions and might think they know everything there is to know,” Kelly says. “But, once they’ve had a little time in the world, they seem to look back and realize maybe their parents had some wisdom.”
Reframe the Meaning of "Empty"
“Empty nester” is such a common term, but it may help to adjust your perspective of what that looks like. El Machkour points out that the word “empty” carries a lot of emotional weight, so she encourages cognitive reframing. “Shifting the narrative from ‘I’ve lost something’ to 'I’m entering a new chapter’ can soften the grief and open up new possibilities,” she says.Up Next:
Related: Women Who Become Lonelier as They Get Older Usually Display These 6 Subtle Behaviors, Psychologists Say
Sources:
Nona Kelly, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in life transitions, coping skills and self-esteemRacheal Turner, MS, LPC, a trauma-focused counselorKenza El Machkour, a therapist in Canada Read More Details
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