Essentially, intermittent reinforcement is when positive behavior is only “rewarded” sometimes. This means the person who engaged in the behavior doesn’t know if they’ll be rewarded that time or not. The thinking behind using this is that the child will want the reward, but if they don’t get it one time, they’ll continue the “positive” behavior in hopes of getting it next time.So, intermittent reinforcement can be a tactic to elicit desired behavior. For example, a parent might give their child $5 when they get As and Bs on their report card, but only for some of those good report cards.Intermittent reinforcement can also be a more unintentional response to a child’s feelings and words. Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, a trauma-informed therapist, researcher, author and podcast host of The Sensitivity Doctor, explains. “Intermittent reinforcement with kids shows up when a parent or caregiver responds inconsistently—sometimes warm and attentive, other times withdrawn or reactive,” she says. “A child might cry and get comfort one day, and be ignored or punished the next.”She uses the analogy of a slot machine, where a person keeps putting money in—even though the outcome is uncertain, and even knowing they may lose the money—because the hope is so strong, it overrides logic.Related: A Clinical Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Find the ‘Golden Snitch’ Around Kids
Why Parents and Grandparents Might Use Intermittent Reinforcement
Super relatable first example here: “Caregivers may give in occasionally to stop a tantrum or get some peace, especially when they're tired or overwhelmed,” Dr. Cohen says.Related: The Genius Trick for Easier Mornings With Kids: ‘It Changes Everything’For example, they may finally say “yes” to a child asking for a toy at Target because they want the child to stop screaming. Dr. Kelley adds that they may feel overwhelmed, exhausted or emotionally unavailable; they may also have trauma or a lack of emotion regulation tools. That can contribute to a lesser response to a child or “giving in” too. No shame here.
They feel guilty or want to please the child
In this case, the use of intermittent reinforcement is more intentional. “Grandparents might think they're teaching resilience by withholding comfort,” Dr. Kelley says. “But what’s actually being taught is that love is earned, not given, and that creates confusion around what a healthy connection even looks like.”Related: 16 Things Every Kid Needs To Learn From Their Parents and Grandparents, Child Psychologists Say
It strengthens unwanted behaviors
When kids become teens and young adults, they may be more likely to find themselves in relationships that have equal or worse consequences. “Over time, this can form a relational blueprint that leads them to seek out future relationships that feel emotionally similar—ones where love and inconsistency go hand in hand,” Dr. Kelley says. A serious example of this is dating someone they trauma bond with. “Trauma bonding” is when someone unintentionally forms a strong attachment to a person—usually, an abusive person—who causes major highs and lows as a manipulation tactic. Essentially, they wait “for the repair that doesn’t come, believing that if they just try harder, they’ll finally be enough,” Dr. Kelley explains. “And that’s a setup for pain.”
It creates confusion and insecurity
When kids worry that their emotions will be met with disdain, they may hold them in, which leaves them feeling less safe and secure. “It deeply impacts attachment,” Dr. Kelley says. “They begin to monitor the moods of the adults around them, unsure of what to expect, and adjust their behavior to try and stay connected—often at the cost of their own emotional needs.”Related: 7 Habits of a 'Deeply Feeling' Child or Grandchild, According to Dr. Becky Kennedy
2 Things Psychologists Recommend Parents and Grandparents Do Instead
1. Use consistent, predictable reinforcement
2. Don’t forget to repair as needed
When you snap, ignore your child or shut down, come back to it. Dr. Kelley encourages saying something like, “That wasn’t okay. You didn’t deserve that.”
Up Next:
Related: Child Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents to Never Turn a Blind Eye to These 12 Behaviors
Sources:
Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, trauma-informed therapist, researcher, author and podcasterDr. Harry Cohen, PhD, psychologist and author Read More Details
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