So, what exactly is a LAT relationship and what does it entail? “LAT stands for Living Apart Together,” Dr. McMahon explains. “It refers to couples—married or not—who maintain a committed romantic relationship while living in separate homes. This isn’t a step toward divorce. For many, it’s a conscious, long-term choice that allows both intimacy and independence.”Jeff Guenther, LPC, a licensed professional therapist, shares with Parade that it’s “when you’re in a committed relationship, emotionally, sexually, maybe even legally, but you don’t share a mailing address.” Guenther (AKA TherapyJeff on Instagram and TikTok, where he has 1.1 million and 2.8 million followers, respectively) adds, “It’s not new but it is gaining traction as we collectively realize that ‘love’ and ‘constant physical proximity’ aren’t the same thing."In the same vein, Dr. McMahon also shares that while it might sound modern, it’s not.“What’s changed is that more couples feel empowered to make their relationships fit them, rather than forcing themselves into a one-size-fits-all structure,” she says.Related: 'I've Been a Couples Therapist for 16 Years—Here's Exactly How To Do a 7-Day Relationship Reset'
Benefits of a LAT Relationship
When you’re not living together, every in-person meeting or interaction needs to be planned out. Or even if you have an “open door” policy of sorts, you still need to factor into your routine how far away they live and how you’ll get there. If you don’t have a car or reliable transportation, this can pose a problem. Not to mention, the challenge of figuring out how to handle distance in a LAT relationship can especially impact physical intimacy. “It’s not easier than living together—it’s just different,” Dr, McMahon notes. But she does say that it can be best for some. “For the right couples, it’s healthier.”Related: 150 Questions To Ask in Your Long-Distance Relationship When You Want To Get To Know Your Partner *That* Much More
Two Homes
While it’s easy to say you don’t care what others think about you or your relationship, it’s harder when it happens. Dr. McMahon says that judgment from friends and family is a notable challenge if you choose to live apart together. Guenther agrees.“Some people might see your setup as ‘less serious,’” he says. However, he does note that that’s not always bad; it’s “annoying but also kind of freeing.”
Risk of Emotional Drift
When you aren’t coming home after work to your partner and you have different schedules, you not only need to make time for each other, but you need to have really strong communication skills to make it work.“There’s no ‘default’ path,” Guenther says. “Which means everything needs to be talked about. (Yes, even who hosts Christmas).” Good communication can be a challenge for any couple, but it really breaks down if it’s not there in a LAT relationship.
The Need for Solid Trust
Common Rules in a Living Apart Together Relationship
Along the lines of having good communication and trust in your relationship and your partner, there are certain rules and boundaries you may need to set if you’re living apart together. Nothing should be assumed and expectations should be set. Some rules or questions Dr. McMahon says that you should discuss are:
When and how often will you connect?What’s the physical intimacy plan?How do you handle emergencies?What happens when needs change?What does commitment look like? Are overnights expected or optional? How do we handle bad days when one of us wants company and the other is nesting in sweatpants?
“LAT relationships run on communication and clarity,” he explains. “If you hate talking about feelings, this might not be your jam.”Dr. McMahon agrees, sharing that “the biggest risk is silent accommodation—when one person is quietly unhappy.” Full transparency is a must for living apart together to work, she adds, explaining, “If one partner’s quietly suffering, the whole setup unravels."Related: 8 Communication Red Flags To Work on in Your Relationship Before It’s Too Late, According to Divorce Attorneys
“You thrive on solitude.”“You love your partner, but miss having your own space.”“Your careers are in different cities.”“You argue less when apart”: “If your fights vanish when you have space, LAT might be your sweet spot.”“You feel more emotionally connected when physical space is honored.”
5 Signs That Living Apart Together Is Not a Good Fit for You
Living apart together isn’t for everyone. While you might already know it won’t work for you or it doesn’t seem appealing to you, here are some signs that it’s not a good fit, according to Dr. McMahon.
“If one person is just going along to keep the peace.”“One wants to keep the relationship closed and the other wants to open it up to dating other people casually.”“If it’s a way to avoid addressing big problems.”“If either partner needs daily affection to feel secure.”“If communication is already poor—it’ll likely get worse with distance.”Related: 54 Questions To Ask Before Marriage, According to Psychologists
Sources
Dr. Kathy McMahon is a clinical psychologist and founder of Couples Therapy Inc. She’s also a sex therapist and Certified Gottman Method Therapist.Jeff Guenther, LPC, is a licensed professional therapist. You might know him as TherapyJeff, which is what he goes by on Instagram and TikTok, where he has 1.1 million and 2.8 million followers, respectively. Read More Details
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