DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbors have several gatherings a year, and they are always potlucks.
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However, I’m single, and I have noticed that the couples and families also bring only one dish and one bottle of wine.
Am I being petty to think this is unfair?
GENTLE READER: Etiquette is not in the business of making everything exactly fair. Unless things are overtly unfair, it is more polite not to notice.
Since the point of the potluck is to share, it feels unseemly to count exact portions. (Perhaps the families do not eat or drink much.)
Miss Manners therefore suggests you overlook this injustice and save your annoyance for all of the other ways single people are disadvantaged, inconvenienced and charged more in our society.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sometimes I am served something I don’t want to eat, like meat with fat or gristle. I trim my portion and move the trash to the side of my plate — inconspicuously, I hope.
Once, though, I was served peas that had coarse strings that hadn’t been removed. So I removed them before eating each one.
Is leaving a pile of debris offensive to the hosts or other diners? Does it imply that the cook was sloppy?
GENTLE READER: Perhaps, but it is preferable to choking slowly on pea strings.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taught by my mother and grandmother, who practiced what they preached, that condolence letters are to be acknowledged.
Their practice was to answer every condolence letter with a return letter. It could be long or short, but at the very least it should express gratitude for the sender’s thoughtfulness.
I have followed their practice throughout the decades, and I have found that writing acknowledgment letters has been very helpful to me as I have coped with the grief of losing important friends or family members.
In recent years, however, I have not received any acknowledgment for condolence letters that I have sent. I make it a point to write something thoughtful, including a memory of the deceased and a statement of my appreciation of him or her. I would never send a preprinted, store-bought condolence card.
Should I just face the fact that most people simply don’t write acknowledgments anymore? I’d like to tell them that doing so might help them in their grieving process.
It is also a thoughtful gesture to acknowledge thoughtful gestures, right?
GENTLE READER: Yes, but Miss Manners does not recommend you tell them that. Besides it being an admonishment, it will not help your cause if they disagree.
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Dear Abby: Is there a way to tell the crass shirttail relations that they’re not invited? Asking Eric: The latest of my friends to vanish had been acting strange on our walk Harriette Cole: The caption on my middle-schooler’s TikTok selfie shocked me Miss Manners: I don’t want to sound so curt when they ask about wedding gifts Dear Abby: I work on the road and come home to this chaosBut if it makes you feel better, you are correct. Condolence letters should be acknowledged, assuring those who care that their appreciation of the deceased and sympathy for the bereaved was meaningful.
Doing so can also offer comfort in recognizing the importance of the life that was lost.
Or not. But it is still the correct thing to do.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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