DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I have chosen not to register for gifts.
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Miss Manners: Can I stop feeding my guests to get them to leave? Miss Manners: I’m embarrassed to be seen with the lollipop snatcher Miss Manners: The F-bombs were flying, and I didn’t know what to say to these hockey fans Miss Manners: I told the tiresome texter to cut it out, and he got mad Miss Manners: She was late, so I left. Was I the rude one?Not only do we wish to do what is proper, but we already live together in a tiny apartment and have neither the need nor the space for additional housekeeping items.
Nor do we wish to crassly solicit money from our guests. And since the wedding is in my fiance’s small, remote hometown, which is not easy to travel to, we would genuinely be pleased with and grateful for our guests’ presence, let alone any presents (overused as that phrase may be).
What do we say to guests who inquire about a registry? “We are not registered” feels too blunt, but is it presumptuous to add, “Thank you for asking”?
I also worry that guests will expect us to put registry information on our wedding website, which we have found to be a useful tool for sharing details about hotel blocks and travel. Would it be appropriate to add a note on the site that we are not registered?
I could imagine guests waiting for a registry tab to pop up, only for them to feel wrong-footed when one never does.
GENTLE READER: Stop fidgeting, dear.
The website is fine, and saying you are not registered in answer to a question is not blunt if delivered with a smile — or without, if the same relative is asking for the fifth time.
Now, Miss Manners has a word for the relatives and other guests:
Could you please stop harassing the couple about a registry? They say they have enough stuff and only want the pleasure of your company, which ought to be easy enough to understand.
If you feel compelled to send something anyway, then yes, you will have to spend a few minutes thinking about what they might like. If that is too much trouble, could you at least keep those feelings to yourselves?
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was dealing with someone who was complaining about a political situation, which he said made him feel very sad and scared.
I replied, sincerely, that I was sorry he felt so bad about the situation and I hoped he felt better soon.
Then he complained about “people who say they’re sorry but are really insincere.”
Was there any way to express my sympathy for how bad he felt without agreeing with his view of the political situation?
GENTLE READER: There is, and you already did it. The best way to avoid a fight with someone who appears to be seeking one is not to worry yourself about subtext.
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Dear Abby: I work on the road and come home to this chaos Asking Eric: My children are getting stupider, and I despair of leaving them my hard-earned money Harriette Cole: How do I talk to my roommate about this daily disruption? Miss Manners: Can I stop feeding my guests to get them to leave? Dear Abby: I had feelings for my boss, and then I was fired. Can I call him now?DEAR MISS MANNERS: When attending family events, what is the polite way to decline posing for photos that end up being posted on social media sites without my permission?
People used to put photos in their albums at home, but now they are posted indiscriminately, and it really bothers me.
If I want my photo on social media, I’ll post it. Not someone else.
GENTLE READER: Offer to be the photographer.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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