Dear Eric:
I’m not sure how to feel. I have been married for 37 years. About 43 years ago my husband (who was not my husband then) had a one-night hookup. The woman is now with my husband’s brother. It is very uncomfortable and awkward for him and me.
I don’t feel right being in the same room with her. We have decided not to attend family functions if she will be there. I guess I wanted your advice. We are just doing what we feel is right. My husband is very supportive. Thoughts?
– Avoiding an Ex
Dear Avoiding:
I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t feel the way you feel. But I would love it if you asked a couple of questions about those feelings. While I understand how the initial reunion might be awkward, 43 years is a long time and I’m curious what the nature of the lingering discomfort is.
Maybe this is the only other person, besides you, who has been intimate with your husband. If that’s the case, you might take comfort in the fact that she doesn’t really know your husband. You’ve had 37 years of marriage; they had one night. They’re essentially strangers.
I only push this because it would be a shame for you to cut off your family over this. Isolation can be dangerous. The past has power, but sometimes we give it more power than it needs. You don’t have to be friends with her or even talk to her. But try not to let one night in the past rob you of days of joy and community in the present.
Dear Eric:
Many years ago, my brother married a woman with whom he had five children, before her affair led to a divorce. While they were married for 14 years, she did not want him to have anything to do with his siblings, and he complied as he did not want to upset her.
After their divorce, we welcomed him back into the family with open arms. At the time, their kids were three and 13 years old. Because of the 14 years apart, us siblings never bonded with our nieces and nephews, and not for lack of trying.
For the record, I have always maintained a cheerful and pleasant demeanor around them, never a mention of their mom.
Fast-forward 20 years. Our brother came down with stage 4 cancer two years ago, and we all tried to visit him as much as possible. As he got progressively sicker, one of the nephews moved him to their home, and was a gatekeeper of their dad. We had to “go through” the nephews in order to visit or even talk to our brother.
Ultimately, he was on his deathbed, and we were not allowed to see him or even talk to him. We had to relay our messages of love through the nephews. The actual death was relayed to us via text message.
It’s been seven months since he died, and I feel extremely resentful of my nieces and especially my gatekeeper nephews for keeping our beloved brother from us. How do I get over this increasing resentment? I don’t know if I even care to try any longer to have a relationship with them, especially when it is one-sided, but it makes me very sad.
– Sad Aunt
Dear Aunt:
The resentment you feel is absolutely valid. What your nephews and nieces did to you was unkind and there’s no way for them to fully fix it. However, perhaps you’ll find some solace by putting their behavior into context. They grew up separated from you and, it stands to reason, hearing all manner of stories about your family. It’s unclear why your brother’s ex-wife was so determined to keep you from their children. That context matters, too.
Regardless of the reason, regardless of where fault lies, the nieces and nephews are making what they believe to be the best decisions based on the information they’ve received and the experiences they’ve had. There may be unresolved trauma there, there may be a hurtful narrative about the family that has impacted the way they see the world. There’s surely grief that they’re navigating. All of these things matter.
What you’ve been through matters, too. But, as someone who has witnessed the full arc of your nieces and nephew’s stories thus far, please grant them some grace. Because they don’t want a relationship, despite your efforts and best intentions, the loving thing to do for now is release them from blame for the things they couldn’t control about their lives and forgive them for the things they could. Do this for your own peace, and so that the grief you’re feeling over the death of your brother can be processed without the obstruction of anger.
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(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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