When I was diagnosed with ADHD in my late 20s, I was lucky that an astute NHS psychiatrist at the Nightingale Hospital saw exactly what was going on and started me on the path to understanding my incredibly crowded, messy brain.
I had a lot of the cliché ADHD symptoms. I was hyper distracted, but also got completely lost in books or my phone to the point where you had to shout at me or wave your hands to get my attention. As a child, my mum described me as “otherworldly” – she could park me in a pram in the corner of a party and I’d disappear into another realm.
The biggest problem ADHD gave me was an uncontrollable, roaring anger. I had dysfunctional relationships with partners, colleagues and family. It sent me spiralling into a depression that finally got me diagnosed.
I was put on Ritalin first. If you imagine having a million browser tabs open in your head – songs playing, memories popping up, arguments happening – that’s my brain. So when you suddenly have a clear brain, when you can think one thought at a time – it’s quite emotional. You realise how long you lived in the chaos.
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Despite this, I managed to open several businesses, write books, do TV and podcasts, all while just about holding down my mental health. But the pills – both the ADHD meds and the downers – stopped working, so I increased the dose. I partied harder. And trialled all the ADHD drugs as they hit the UK. Eventually, things combusted.
Soon, I couldn’t control anything. I became frantic. My already extreme reactions got worse. I’d be having a nice evening, then suddenly order an Uber and vanish. I’d lash out at people – and the next day, be mortified and so sorry. I upset everyone, everywhere so I became insular. And then came the crash: a deep, black depression where my life was genuinely at risk.
Cyclothymia, or “bipolar light”, is a mood disorder. You bounce between hypomania and depression, but quicker and (usually) less extreme than in bipolar 1 or 2. It often runs alongside hyperactive ADHD and can be induced by drug addiction.
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Read MoreWhat I didn’t know – but wish I had – is how common this kind of misdiagnosis is. A major 2021 study in Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews found that 7.2 per cent of people with ADHD also meet criteria for bipolar spectrum disorders, and 17 per cent of people with bipolar disorder also have ADHD.
The real danger? ADHD meds like Ritalin can trigger or worsen mood episodes if bipolar conditions are lurking underneath. Looking back, I genuinely believe this happened to me.
I’ve been living with my cyclothymia diagnosis for three years now – and honestly, I’m a different person. Maybe for the first time ever, I feel sane. I can focus and for the first time in my life my anger is under control.
Beyond medication, therapy, psychedelics, and a healthy diet have helped me stay stable too.
You don’t hear much about cyclothymia – but with the ongoing mental health crisis, and the rise in addiction, I think we’ll be seeing a lot more of it. While researching, I learned that Stephen Fry is actually cyclothymic – not bipolar as I’d always believed. That made me feel a bit less alone.
I don’t feel bad about having such an extreme diagnosis. Sometimes I worry how it looks professionally – but mostly, I’m proud of how far I’ve come. The future feels brighter than ever. I want this piece to be the full stop on the chaos that was my life. And you know what – I think it will be.
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