In some relationships with family, friends or coworkers, you may disagree with choices that the other person is making, or hold a different opinion than them on a topic you're both passionate about. While you may not want to introduce conflict by arguing or sharing your disapproval, there's also the concern about appearing as if you agree with what they're doing or enabling the behaviors. However, there's another path forward: validation. But if you're wondering about how to validate someone's feelings effectively, you're not alone.After all, validating someone's feelings might feel intimidating—especially if you disagree with how they're handling those feelings. Fortunately, a clinical psychologist is here to save the day and explain why validation is not only powerful, but truly game-changing in the world of communication and improving relationships.Parade aims to feature only the best products and services. If you buy something via one of our links, we may earn a commission.Stanford professor and Duke-trained psychologist Dr. Caroline Fleck, author of Validation: How the Skill Set That Revolutionized Psychology Will Transform Your Relationships, Increase Your Influence, and Change Your Life, tells Parade how to successfully validate someone else's feelings and why seeking validation is not a bad thing. Plus, she reveals five helpful steps for self-validation as well.Related: People Who Never Felt Validated as Kids Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Another fun way to look at it?
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"Pay attention and listen without judgment by using nonverbals that signal engagement—eye contact, proximity (leaning in or moving closer), gesturing, nodding—and asking yourself this two-parter: 'What's a better way to make their point?' and 'Why does this matter to them?'" Dr. Fleck shares. "You don’t need to communicate your answers; this is more of a mental exercise designed to keep you engaged while projecting curiosity."Why it works: "You stand no chance of making someone feel seen or heard if they don’t think you’re paying attention," she explains.
2. Copy
"Acknowledge why a person's reaction makes sense, given their history, misinformation or disorder," Dr. Fleck says. "Contextualizing is particularly helpful when someone’s reaction isn’t 'valid' in terms of the immediate situation."Why it works: "Contextualizing says I see how the world has shaped you, and I don’t blame you for it," she shares. "This is different from saying I approve of your problematic behavior, or I think you should keep doing what you’re doing. Ironically, acknowledging the chain of cause and effect that led someone to react poorly or inappropriately is critical to decreasing defensiveness, tempering the shame that punishes introspection and increasing their willingness to change."Related: A Clinical Psychologist Is Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Making This Punishment Mistake
4. Equalize
"Offer educated guesses about what the other person might be thinking or feeling: 'I wonder if you're worried about how the team will react,' or 'It sounds like you're feeling torn between what you want and what others expect,'" Dr. Fleck recommends. "Unlike actual mind reading, you can adjust your confidence level from 'tentative suggestion' to 'I'm basically finishing your sentences.'"Why it works: "Successfully articulating what someone is thinking but hasn't articulated can create that soulmate effect—'How did you KNOW that?!'" Dr. Fleck explains. "When your insight fosters a realization on their part, 'I didn’t realize it until you said it, but I was feeling taken for granted,' you not only communicate understanding, you foster it."Related: People Who Felt Constantly Overlooked as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists SayAnd, finally, there are the empathy skills, or "how to demonstrate emotional understanding," Dr. Fleck says.
6. Take Action
Why it works: "Actions speak louder than words, and sometimes they validate more effectively too," she explains. "This skill can range from the simple (bringing your partner tea when they're sick) to a serious investment of time and resources (donating a kidney). The key is that your action clearly communicates, 'I see you, I get it, and I care enough to do something about it.'"
Why it works: "Emoting creates emotional resonance—it's the difference between an intellectual 'I understand' and a heartfelt 'I feel you,'" she explains. "The power of emoting lies in the personal investment it reflects. Rather than being an outside observer of someone’s experience, emoting transforms you into an active participant."
8. Disclose
Should You Try to Self-Validate Instead of Seeking Validation from Others?
"This will sound controversial, but I don’t think there needs to be a shift away from seeking validation from others, nor do I believe that self-validation should necessarily replace external validation," Dr. Fleck begins. "Validation is a way of combining mindfulness, understanding and empathy to communicate acceptance. When done well, the validated person feels seen and heard."
"People from highly validating environments tend to be more self-compassionate and secure in their relationships with themselves and others," she explains.
"Validation is non-judgmental, which makes it distinct from praise," she continues. "You can think of praise as validation's evil doppelganger—whereas praise says, 'I like the way you look or perform,' validation says, 'I accept you independent of how you look and perform.' So while I would certainly caution people from excessively seeking praise, which can lead to people-pleasing and heavily filtered Instagram photos, I wouldn’t dissuade them from pursuing relationships in which they feel seen and accepted."
So, here are the four steps she recommends for self-validation:
2. Copy
"Write the emotion down or repeat it back to yourself," Dr. Fleck suggests. "Focus intently on feeling but not feeding the emotion by reliving or analyzing the situation that triggered it. Repeating the name of the feeling like a mantra helps you stay focused on the experience, not the narrative."
4. Emote
"Express the same tenderness and support you would provide another person who was struggling through gentle touch (e.g., hand over the heart, hugging yourself, stroking your arm) and comforting phrases (e.g., 'This is hard,' 'I’m sorry you’re hurting,' etc.)," Dr. Fleck recommends.
5. Take Action
Up Next:
Related: People Who Were Rarely Complimented as Children Often Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Source:
Courtesy Caroline Fleck
Caroline Fleck, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, an adjunct clinical instructor at Stanford University, and a business consultant. She received her doctorate in psychology and neuroscience from Duke University and holds a BA in English and psychology from the University of Michigan. She is an expert in evidence-based treatments for individuals, couples, and parents, including DBT and cognitive behavioral therapy. Read More Details
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