Dear Eric: My mom, 75, has been living with me and my husband for five years.
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Well, five years later, there has been no addition and now she doesn’t have the money to do it. We have no privacy and share a bathroom.
Three months ago, my son, 22, had a spinal cord injury and is now paraplegic. They are optimistic about his recovery, but it will take a long time.
My mom recently came to me crying, asking to go to a nursing home because I don’t have time to take care of her.
Truth be told, I didn’t “take care” of her before his accident. All of a sudden, she’s helpless and says she can’t get to the kitchen to get her own meals, but she gets there just fine when I make her food.
I feel like she is trying to force me to take care of her even though I know she is completely capable of caring for herself. I feel like she’s jealous of the time I’m giving my son.
I don’t know if a nursing home would even take her, but I feel like I should call her bluff. I don’t want to regret it later, though.
– Full House
Dear House: Depending on the level of care your mother actually needs, if any, a nursing home or a senior living community might be a great option. She could live independently, receive care, make friends and stay active. All great things.
The largest risk, from your telling, would be emotional. Her behavior suggests an on-going pattern of emotional manipulation that would surely pop up again no matter how content or taken care of she was in a senior living community.
That might be something you just have to compartmentalize and deal with, preferably with the help of a family therapist. Because right now, your whole family’s energy is going toward caring for your son. That is the person whose needs are most pressing.
If your mother wants to move someplace else, let her. It’s not a punishment. But, as much as you can, make her an equal participant in the logistical planning so there’s less fodder for complaints down the road and less work for you to handle alone in the present.
Dear Eric: My adult son had been using drugs (meth) for two years. Thankfully he has finally quit, but the drugs have been replaced with alcohol.
He turns to me for help constantly; financial, emotional, everything. He’s 48 but acting so immature.
I realize addictions are complicated and he could benefit by in-patient treatment. “Somehow” he keeps avoiding treatment, ending up couch-surfing or in shelters, at my place, in the ER, psychiatric wards or other friends’ floors while doing these intermittent binges.
I do talk to Al-Anon groups occasionally, but they are very “hard core.” I have boundaries, and he experiences consequences, but it’s a struggle to watch him suffer so much, even though from his own choices.
He says he wants to go into in-patient and seems sincere but then doesn’t quite get there. How can I “support” him without enabling him?
– Concerned Mom
Dear Mom: Millions of parents and loved ones share the frustration and worry that you’re experiencing. According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, more than 40 million people had a substance use disorder in 2020, but only 6.5 percent of them received treatment.
In the book “Getting Your Loved One Sober,” Robert J. Meyers and Brenda L. Wolfe recommend the PIUS method for healthy communication and more productive conversations.
P stands for speak to your loved one in a positive manner.
I stands for use “I” statements.
U stands for express understanding of your loved one’s perspective, thoughts and feelings.
S stands for share responsibility or offer a solution to your loved one.
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I like to think about support as akin to holding a nail while another person hammers it into a half-finished piece of furniture – it’s aid in achieving a goal. Enabling is like handing a person a completed chair.
Support for your son can include being emotionally present for him, listening to him, asking him what’s getting in the way of seeking treatment. This is going to be painful for you and for him, but there are alternatives to ultimatums that may prove effective in his case.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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