If there's one thing we love to do as a generation, it's cancel a plan. Even if it sounded "so fun!" at the time, there's no greater feeling than checking your phone a few hours prior to meeting and seeing the, "You're going to hate me" text from a friend. But have we taken our love for canceling too far?
There used to be a time when canceling plans was reserved for actual emergencies, like having the flu or getting a flat tire. Now, it's turned into a more casual occurrence. Of course, if you're not feeling happy hour, you're not feeling happy hour - and mental health days are important to take. But when every plan feels optional until the last possible second, are you actually prioritizing your mental health or do you happen to be just lying too comfortably in bed?
"We're in an era where canceling on friends has become more frequent," friendship expert Shari Leid says. "But with loneliness becoming a widespread issue, one of the simplest yet most profound ways you can foster connection is by honoring your social commitments and being a dependable friend."
Though it's generally easier and more comfortable to bed rot, allow me to explain why you should resist the urge to cancel on your friends the next time you have plans.
Experts Featured in This Article
Shari Leid is a friendship expert and life coach at An Imperfectly Perfect Life.
Victoria Murray, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and the owner of Root to Rise Therapy.
Why Does Canceling Plans Feel So Good?
Personal attack: the reason you may love canceling plans could be because of laziness. "Especially post-pandemic, many of us became accustomed to the comfort of our own cocoons interacting through screens," Leid says. It requires much less effort - and in some cases, money - to stay at home in PJs than it is to put on a bra and meet up with friends.
But on a deeper level, you may want to cancel plans because you're a victim of anticipatory anxiety. According to psychotherapist Victoria Murray, LCSW, this is what happens when "plans sound exciting and non-threatening when they exist in the distant future, but as it gets closer and you start to imagine being out of your comfort zone, feelings of anxiety and dread can come up."
When It's OK to Cancel (and When It's Not)
While it's important to stand by your commitments, it's also OK if you have to cancel your plans sometimes, like, for example, if there's an emergency or you don't feel well either emotionally or physically. "Mental health and exhaustion are both valid reasons to cancel plans, but if you find yourself canceling plans for this reason over and over again, it's probably a good idea to reflect," Murray says. "Maybe you are committing to too many things and need to take a step back from saying 'yes' in the first place, or maybe you have mental health needs that are going unaddressed and need to be formally treated."
Leid also adds that while it's OK to cancel every once in a while, you should be mindful about how often you do it: "Canceling should be the exception, not the rule, and it should be based on genuine, non-recurring reasons to maintain the trust and respect in your friendships."
With this in mind, you should avoid canceling if you don't have a valid reason - especially if it's for an event that's really important to your friend or during a time when they may need you, Murray says. Additionally, you should avoid canceling just because you found something better to do. "Valuing and respecting each other's time is crucial in friendships," Leid says. "If your reason for bailing is purely self-centered, it could really strain the relationship."
Why You Should Avoid Canceling Your Plans
If you experience anticipatory anxiety (or anxiety in general about upcoming plans), it can actually be better for your mental health to not cancel them. "Avoiding things that make you anxious can become a dangerous cycle that actually causes anxiety to increase and make you become more isolated over time," Murray says.
When you stick to your commitments, however, Leid says it can "foster a sense of empowerment" and "build confidence." This can lead to new experiences and connections that might have otherwise been missed. Plus, you'll probably have way more fun once you're out.
You should also avoid canceling plans because it could make your friends feel like they're not a priority. "When someone repeatedly cancels on you, it doesn't just leave you feeling unimportant; it actively erodes that trust, undermining the very foundation of your friendship," Leid says. (No one wants to feel like the bonus friend.)
At the end of the day, all types of relationships take a certain level of effort - including friendships. "Sometimes we do have to do things that are inconvenient to show people in our lives that we care about them," Murray says. And really, it can mean a lot to show up for the people you care about, even if it's as simple as meeting up for dinner. Speaking from experience, sometimes the best memories come from the plans you almost canceled.
Related: Your Next Friend Hang: A Reading Weekend Indoors Taylor Andrews (she/her) is the balance editor at PS, specializing in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, travel, and more. With seven years of editorial experience, Taylor has a strong background in content creation and storytelling. Prior to joining PS in 2021, she worked at Cosmopolitan. Read More Details
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