So when a narcissist becomes a parent, what does that look like? Scott Hoye, PsyD, tells Parade that they typically have “inappropriate boundaries with their children.” “They will use their children for ‘narcissistic feed,’” Dr. Hoye says. “In other words, as they do with adults in their lives, they will constantly be looking for self-aggrandizement for their fragile egos from their children.” Dr. Hoye, a licensed clinical psychologist in Chicago and the founder and clinical director of Chicago Psychology Services, explains that the lack of appropriate boundaries usually goes on to present as a “self vs. other” orientation in the child of a narcissistic parent. Essentially, this means those children put the needs of others ahead of their own and carry that into adulthood. Dr. Sage shares that narcissistic parents also don’t see their children as individuals, but rather conflate them with their own self. “Parents with narcissistic traits essentially see their children as an extension of themselves and as a type of ‘container’ in which to fill up with their own projected wounds, fantasies, needs and desires,” she explains. “They struggle to see their children as separate beings with unique feelings, needs, hopes and dreams.”Related: 9 Outdated Relationship Dynamics Family Therapists Are Begging Parents To Stop Doing With Their Adult Kids
Signs Someone Is a Narcissistic Parent
They have inappropriate boundaries with the child, Dr. Hoye says. This can mean they exploit their children and use them to regulate their emotions (make them a best friend, therapist or mediator), Dr. Sage points out.These parents tend to selfishly prioritize their own needs and emotions over their child’s, both Dr. Hoye and Dr. Sage say.They use the child to gain attention or admiration from others, Dr. Hoye says.There’s a lack of empathy for the child’s feelings or needs, Dr. Hoye says. They might “dismiss, invalidate or refuse to acknowledge their children’s feelings,” Dr. Sage explains.These parents use over-controlling behavior or micromanage their child’s life to reflect well on themselves, Dr. Hoye states.They might gaslight their children into believing that their child’s reality does not exist, Dr. Sage says.These parents might use guilt-tripping, shame and manipulation to get their children to comply, including emotional blackmail, she explains.Dr. Sage also says they can create competition and comparison among their own children which in turn fosters a type of “every person for themselves” environment.They might also use different emotions to manipulate their kids, including love bombing, passive-aggressiveness, condescension and sarcasm—all to establish control, Dr. Sage says.In addition to the “self vs. others” orientation Dr. Hoye mentioned above, where the child of a narcissistic parent puts others' needs before their own, he shares that this orientation can manifest in other ways. “The child is consistently looking for ways to please the parent, inordinately, and develops an emphasis of pleasing and helping others as they grow into adulthood,” he says. “This can cause issues of attachment and a development of an anxious attachment style, or, in some cases, an avoidant/dismissive style.”Dr. Sage—who has over 590k followers on TikTok in addition to being a licensed psychologist—shares that sometimes children raised by someone with these behaviors don’t have a sense of self.“Children raised by parents with narcissistic traits are not allowed to grow and develop, to separate and become unique humans with a different set of goals, hopes, dreams and personalities,” she explains.This is because if these kids were ever rewarded, it was for qualities or things that their narcissistic parents valued. So their kids have a hard time discovering their own self-identity. And even though every situation is different and the effects of that childhood on each kid can vary, Dr. Hoye says that usually, these kids develop lower self-esteem than those not in that position. He also says that these kids typically have issues with boundaries as adults (like the inability to identify, set or hold boundaries, according to Dr. Sage). These children can also develop issues like:
Chronic self-doubtThe fear of not being good enoughOnly feeling worthy when succeedingThe fear of being rejectedA lack of trust in relationshipsMental health issues related to anxiety and depression, among othersDifficulty regulating and identifying their emotions10 Tips on How To Deal With a Narcissistic Parent
It’s not easy dealing with a parent who has narcissistic traits. Healing from their treatment requires a lot of grace for yourself. So, for adult children of narcissistic parents, specifically, these are 10 helpful tips on how to deal with them.
2. Admit, identify and honor your experience
Narcissists, in general, are great at gaslighting to manipulate you into believing their reality. Knowing that you’re dealing with a narcissistic parent is a great first step, and then honoring your experience despite their lies is the next one. “[It can help to] stop questioning or gaslighting ourselves,” Dr. Sage says. She mentions that it can be common to think to yourself, “Were they really a narcissist?” Whether it’s because you don’t want to admit it to yourself or because they’re so good at manipulating you into thinking you’re crazy, you just need to trust yourself. Hold space for and respect what you went through. “...It’s important to come back to ourselves, to make it about ourselves, possibly for the first time in our lives,” Dr. Sage explains.
4. Create your own unique identity and become independent
As Dr. Sage pointed out before, children of parents with narcissistic traits sometimes don’t come into their own identity because they had to cater to their parent’s their whole childhood. So she says that it’s important to focus on becoming independent and figuring out who you are: your likes, dislikes, principles, dreams, goals and more.She says that different strategies exist to figure this out, but she specifically loves the “tree exercise.” It’s basically a way to visualize your life, with a tree representing your life and all the things that make that tree are your past, present and future. Dr. Sage offers four courses (the first course is free) and her course on eggshell parents has a tree exercise you can use. She also recommends two other free versions; one is on People at Heart's site and the other is on Nathan B. Weller's site.Dr. Hoye agrees, stressing that you should “create a life and identity separate from the influence of the narcissistic parent.”
6. Don’t seek validation
It can be very easy to slip back into old habits especially if you still have contact with your parent. And seeking validation from them is one that is hard to kill. But Dr. Hoye says not to give in.Once you realize that your worth isn’t tied to your parent’s opinions or them, you’ll feel more free. It’s important to also note that you’ll never receive that validation that your narcissistic parent taught you that you needed to seek from them, anyway.“Recognize that you may never receive the approval or empathy you desire from a narcissistic parent,” he tells Parade.
8. Limit emotional engagement
If you do still want to have contact with your narcissistic former guardian, Dr. Hoye recommends putting a lid on any impassioned interactions. “Avoid being drawn into manipulative or toxic conversations,” he warns. Using the “Gray Rock Method”—where you just don’t engage or respond to a narcissistic person’s emotional outbursts—can truly do wonders. Related: 35 Phrases To Disarm a Narcissist and Why They Do the Trick, According to Therapists
10. Don’t be afraid to examine and feel any buried tough feelings you have
Dissociating or blocking out memories can be a defense mechanism our brains use when we’re experiencing traumatic things, especially at a young age. So as you’re doing therapy and working on issues that are a result of having a narcissistic parent, you’ll need to face heavy emotions that could have stayed hidden until now. “Be willing to examine your buried hurt, anger, resentment, sadness, etc so you can learn to identify your own triggers from childhood,” Dr. Sage says. She also suggests being open to learning new tools to deal with all of your emotions and attachment wounds. These new strategies can include inner child work, identifying emotional flashbacks, DBT skills, learning to manage your nervous system and chronic hyper-vigilance. That last one is caused by growing up with a parent who you felt you had to walk on eggshells around, so you constantly feel like you’re in a state of fight or flight because of those “often unpredictable caregivers.”
Just like our tips on how to deal with your own narcissistic parent, boundaries are essential to dealing with any person with narcissistic traits including a co-parent. “Set clear boundaries,” Dr. Hoye says. “Establish firm guidelines for communication and decision-making.”
2. Get a mediator (and good legal help)
This might be obvious, but you need to make sure you’re keeping tabs on everything, from actual documents to things your co-parent might be saying to you or your kids. "Keep detailed records of interactions, agreements and any inappropriate behavior,” Dr. Hoye says. Even if you’re past your legal battles, you never know when you’ll need to bring up receipts of mistreatment.
4. Keep it cute
Again, another no-brainer tip here, but this probably isn’t on a narcissistic parent’s radar, so you need to really make sure you’re protecting your kids on your end. “Shield them from manipulative behaviors and provide a stable, nurturing environment,” Dr. Hoye says.Preserving your child’s well-being can also include working on your own childhood trauma, if you have any so that you’re not unconsciously putting things on them. And ultimately, take care of yourself so you can care for your kids. “Grieve, focus on self-care and [have] self-compassion,” Dr. Sage says.Related: 10 Red Flags There's a Narcissist in Your Family, According to Therapists
How To Deal With a Narcissistic In-Law
1. Work to create boundaries with your partner
Both Dr. Hoye and Dr. Sage say to set boundaries regarding your narcissistic in-law(s). Just like with your own parent, you get to choose what you share (information, stories, etc.) and how much you want to include them in things.“Set boundaries early,” Dr. Hoye shares. “Establish limits on their involvement in your personal life.”Dr. Sage suggests working with your significant other to establish these boundaries. You also want to make sure to work with them so that they can be a supportive person as you both navigate how to interact with your narcissistic mother- or father-in-law. It won’t help if you’re the only one who acknowledges that their parent is narcissistic.
3. Support your significant other
Dr. Hoye points out that you need to be there for your partner—in general, of course, but especially when it comes to dealing with their narcissistic parent. “Work as a team with your spouse to manage the relationship,” he says. As mentioned before, this also means that they need to be on the same page as you and vice versa. Remember that they grew up with a narcissistic mother or father and, therefore, may be suffering from any of the harmful issues Dr. Sage and Dr. Hoye shared earlier. Help them work through that trauma while also supporting them in standing up to their narcissistic parent and setting boundaries with them (for maybe the first time in their life).
5. Keep your family as your main focus
Lastly, remember that your immediate family—you, your spouse and your kids—is your first and most important concern. “Focus on your family,” Dr. Hoye says. “Prioritize the health and well-being of your immediate family unit.”This includes a lot of the other advice both psychologists shared before. Dr. Sage reiterates that in addition to the limited contact and firm boundaries, you should also focus on self-care and healing. Up Next:
Related: 11 Subtle Signs of Narcissism That Are Easy to Miss, According to Psychologists
Sources
Kim Sage, PsyD, MA, is a licensed clinical psychologist in California and has a large social media following. Through her TikTok (590k followers), Instagram (77.5k followers) and YouTube (317k subscribers), Dr. Sage makes content about parents with emotional immaturity, narcissistic and borderline personality disorders, autism in women and more. She also has four courses (one is free) available that revolve around identifying your childhood trauma and learning how to heal from it.Scott Hoye, PsyD is a licensed clinical psychologist in Chicago and is the founder and clinical director of Chicago Psychology Services. There, he conducts psychological testing, psychotherapy, hypnosis and biofeedback. He specifically has experience with issues including trauma and dissociative disorders, anxiety disorders, depression, chronic pain and more. Read More Details
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