Kinkshaming is the act of shaming someone for their kinks, sexual practices or fantasies that are unconventional in wider society, such as BDSM or ageplay. Many say kinkshaming is out of fashion and that others should not be judged for whatever they do in the bedroom. However, what happens in the bedroom is not as innocent as one may believe, as kinks can be reflections of a patriarchal society.
BDSM, short for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism, is a broad term for any sexual practices and fantasies that exist under the acronym. While not always violent, sex that involves BDSM can include whipping, punching, slapping and more, which are eroticized by those involved in the “scene,” a term used to refer to anytime BDSM occurs during sex. Here is where our problem lies.
The submission of women is eroticized in kink culture — from maid outfits to nipple clamps, dominance over women is a substantial part of such culture. The maid outfit, for example, sexualizes the idea of a woman serving someone in a domestic setting. Her feminine submission becomes the erotic.
BDSM is not always violent, but when it does become violent, it has the potential to be a vehicle for enacting violence against women, a violence that is already all too prevalent in our culture. Femicide, sexual abuse and domestic violence are all issues that women face outside of the bedroom, so it must be questioned why exactly it is welcome inside the bedroom.
“There’s nothing inherently wrong with BDSM, but you have to think about the power dynamics not just within the sexual activities but out of it,” said Sammy Bignault, a sophomore studying political science at the University. “It’s okay for men’s partners to want to feel pain if that is sexually arousing, but sometimes they are just being beaten so badly that they can barely stand or walk. I feel like that is just upholding patriarchal power dynamics.”
Since BDSM has the potential to be problematic, it is imperative that one examines where their fantasy comes from. The origin of the kink should be explored. What exactly is attractive about hitting a woman? Depending on one’s answer, they might need to rethink their kink.
“It’s important for people to reflect on their fantasies and seek counseling if their fantasies are contingent on hurting other people,” said Julia Clark, a sophomore studying public health.“This conversation is intricate and nuanced. However, there is no place for violence against women or men. I think it’s important to seek guidance from professionals when discussing sexual fantasies. BDSM is not inherently problematic if done with boundaries and safe words in place along with safe practices which may require a professional sex therapist to help provide guidance on.”
Ultimately, kinks should be questioned which is why kinkshaming should make a return. Kinks have the potential to be problematic, especially kinks that involve the physical abuse of women. Thus, kinkshaming will allow for healthy dialogue around the motives and reasoning behind one’s kinks.
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