I never had issues with this up until the last year or so. At first, we chalked it up to stress with work, and anxiety post-Covid. And now I feel like it’s also performance anxiety – a vicious cycle of thinking that the longer it goes on, the more this might be a permanent thing.
I’ve gone to the GP about it and they’ve told me to monitor my stress but I feel like that’s not really helpful. Is this my life now? I feel depressed and scared. What should I do?
So many men in their mid-forties start struggling with erectile dysfunction (ED) and I want to reassure you that neither you nor your wife’s lives are going to be sexless from here on in.
Communication here is key because you’ll find that the more open you are with her, the more she will understand the situation, and the less your worries are likely to swirl.
Did anything change at that time in your inner or outer environment? Your outer environment might be a work-related change such as an influx of younger people who’ve reminded you that you’re a different generation or a downturn in business; or it might be related to stressful interactions in your community or sports. What were the work stresses you were experiencing at that time? How did they make you feel?
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Examine your inner thoughts: have they become more fear-based? What exactly are you anxious about post-Covid? Has health been brought into the fore of your mind? Did you lose loved ones during the pandemic?
Trauma from childhood and young adulthood can have a huge impact on ED and this might be the time to deal with past issues so you can have a deeper relationship with yourself and become more open-hearted with your wife.
Have you been using porn? If so, even if in the past this had no effect on your sex life, I’d encourage you to avoid it, or instead seek out ethical porn such as Erika Lust. A review into pornography this month found that free and easily accessible content has become increasingly violent, degrading and misogynistic.
It’s also important to consider how you’ve felt towards your penis over the past year. You might feel angry or frustrated that it’s causing you these problems. If that’s the case then it’s worth changing your mindset – this is most probably about every other part of you, rather than your penis. If you feel like you’re on the same side then everything is more likely to flow.
You might previously have felt that sex was all about you performing to make her happy – a surprising number of men see sex this way – but now is the time for you to receive and find out what she wishes to receive. Make time and space, be present and enjoy so your body can relax and focus on living rather than survival, love rather than fear, intimacy rather than performance.
If you find talking about sex difficult, then you might want to use the Wheel of Consent framework, developed by Dr Betty Martin. This helps you understand when you’re giving (or serving), receiving, taking or accepting and might give you the language and a structure with which to talk about intimacy.
My strong suspicion is that while the symptom you’re experiencing is ED, the cause of your current problems does not lie with your penis.
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