Validation helps build self-confidence, so lacking it can have the opposite effect."In childhood, they were not validated, so they struggle to trust their own instincts as adults," Dr. Schiff says. "They will second-guess themselves and not feel confident. This self-doubt can create indecision and anxiety while keeping them stuck both personally and professionally."For instance, Dr. Schiff says people may struggle with decisions, such as whether to take a new job (or press "send" on the application in the first place).
There's healthy striving, and then there's perfectionism. The latter is toxic, impossible and a common trait of people who were constantly invalidated as kids. Dr. Schiff says this perfectionism stems from a constant need for the external validation they grew up without. However, she says perfectionism creates significant pressure, anxiety and risks for burnout."They may overwork and avoid mistakes at all costs while feeling inadequate," Dr. Schiff says.
4. Hyper-independence
The "your-feelings-are-valid" types have a point—and are likely building long-term emotional health."If a child learns early on that expressing their emotions results in dismissal or punishment, emotional suppression becomes a coping mechanism," says Dr. Crystal Saidi, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks. "As adults, these individuals struggle to identify, process, and express their feelings. They may avoid vulnerability for fear of being judged or misunderstood."6. Lack of empathy
This one goes along with self-doubt and imposter syndrome."Poor self-esteem...is more likely to happen if childhood invalidation takes a form of comparison," Dr. Wilson says. Dr. Wilson says comments like, "Why can't you get good grades like your sibling?" or "Why can't you practice as much as your friend?" can shape a person's internal narrative about themselves."Inevitably, the child may grow up feeling that he is not good enough in sports or smart enough in school, and then it will transfer to a lack of confidence in the workplace," she says.8. Fear of rejection
In a never-ending quest for external approval, people who weren't validated as kids often develop people-pleasing tendencies."They will be overly accommodating and avoid conflict so that they cannot be rejected," Dr. Schiff says.Related: Individuals Who Grew Up as 'People-Pleasers' Usually Develop These 12 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say10. Difficulty setting boundaries
These traits can have a ripple effect, affecting connections with others."If a child's emotions or identity were disregarded, they may struggle to form close, trusting relationships in adulthood," Dr. Hafeez says. "They might keep people at arm's length, fearing vulnerability, or they may inadvertently choose partners or friends who also fail to offer emotional support. They may have trouble accepting love or support because they never learned to recognize or receive it as a child."Related: 11 Phrases To Use That Communicate 'You've Hurt Me,' According to PsychologistsHow To Heal From a Childhood That Lacked Validation
1. Validate yourself
Prioritize spending time with people who genuinely care for you and build you up."If you have a difficult time finding positive qualities in yourself, these are the people who can help you by naming some of the good qualities that they admire in you," Dr. Wilson says. "If you like how they support and treat you, then you can try to treat yourself in a similar way."3. Seek therapy
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Related: People Who Felt Constantly Overlooked as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Sources:
Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a clinical psychologistDr. Sanam Hafeez, Psy.D., a New York City neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the MindDr. Crystal Saidi, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist with ThriveworksDr. Lienna Wilson, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist Read More Details
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