"Nobody's perfect" isn't some trite phrase used in moments of toxic positivity. It's the truth. Expecting perfection from a child—or acting as if you are perfect—can set an impossible standard. Instead, normalizing mistakes and pulling back the curtain about your own slip-ups sets the stage for lifelong, positive learning. Dr. Young suggests letting your child know that mistakes are typical and part of learning. Then, be vulnerable and tell them a story about a mistake you made.From there, Dr. Young suggests walking the child through the lesson you took from your mistake, which might include how you problem-solved or avoided it the next time.Related: What's the Difference Between Authoritarian and Authoritative Parenting? Plus, Which One Is Best, According to Child Development Experts
Normalizing mistakes and staying calm when a child makes one doesn't make you a permissive caregiver. Reflection is part of the secret sauce to growth."Think of the mistake as simply part of the learning process and help your child to reflect on their mistake," Dr. Young says. "Ask them what happened, followed by, 'So, what could you do differently next time?'"Related: 13 Things Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Saying to a Middle Child
4. Strategize with your child
Your child wouldn't be walking if they didn't get back up after falling. However, pressures—from school and maybe (unintentionally) caregivers can make kids afraid to fall and fail as they get older. Help your kids remember their smaller selves. Dr. Young says you might work with them on mantras like, "I'm trying to learn. It's OK not to ace this task right away. Trying new, challenging things and making mistakes help me grow my brain."6. Avoid accidentally emphasizing perfection
What To Avoid Doing With a Child
Another plot twist: Dr. Young recommends avoiding saying things like, "You are so smart. "Again, this phrase is well-meaning, but it has some long-term pitfalls."This can diminish children’s positive mindset toward learning," Dr. Young says. "Instead, link effort to pride or accomplishment."Dr. Young suggests pointing out a child's hard work and process as they work toward a goal. You might say, “I noticed you worked really hard at that! How do you feel now?” Dr. Young says the child may not respond with a long, profound answer — one-word replies like "good" are typical.Dr. Young suggests following up with, “You feel good? Wow, that’s interesting. When you work hard at something, you feel good about yourself." Another idea: "You feel really proud of yourself when you try to do something new and challenging."These focus on the process and the child's feelings rather than a desired outcome.
Related: The 10 'House Rules' A Child Psychologist Begging Parents and Grandparents To Adopt ASAP
Sources
Dr. Jessica Mercer Young, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist, early childhood expert and principal research scientist with Education Development Center (EDC)Early Action Error Processing Is Due to Domain-General Surprise, Whereas Later Processing Is Error Specific. The Journal of NeuroscienceParents’ Views of Failure Predict Children’s Fixed and Growth Intelligence Mind-Sets. Journal of Psychological Science Read More Details
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