Have we become “Unfiltered America,” where anything goes in conduct and speech? “I’m just a truth teller,” “I speak my mind” and “Not my problem if you can’t handle the truth” are popular sayings.
And while people prefer genuine honesty to lies or fakery, do we really want a society where anyone will express any views at any time in any place, no matter the effect on others?
Americans are told repeatedly that our nation is terribly, perhaps permanently, divided. We hear that people with differing views will always end up arguing and that we have now shifted from tolerance to open dislike of those seen as not like us.
Surveys bear some of this out, even, concerningly, finding that upwards of 20% of the public sees violence as acceptable to resolve political divisions. Paired with this is a fixation with self-interest.
Motivation, effort and desire for self-improvement are excellent character traits, but so often, modern self-interest seems more focused on winning over someone else. If too many are shouting about how their views and their rights are more important than everyone else’s, the result is just noise, not conversation.
Tellingly, polling also reinforces what many suspect already. The United States has become a far less civil society than it was in the past. Civility offers basic respect and politeness towards others, regardless of difference. It does not mean abandonment of personal values or standards.
Disagreements are part of human nature and can actually help people self-improve if they think about the real reasons they hold the views they do. Civility respects the humanity of a person while allowing for opposing viewpoints.
As a teacher, I find it is essential to practice what is called classroom management. This means keeping a balance of order and individualism. With too much strict order, instead of active learning there is reflexive compliance or, alternatively, acts of resistance.
On the other hand, too little structure and order and there will be a noisy, distracted, and chaotic classroom with little opportunity for learning.
Part of the expectation of effective teaching is to help young people understand why certain codes of conduct are helpful to the classroom and life beyond the classroom.
Taking turns, listening when someone else is talking, showing respect for others even if we might not want to spend our recess with them, are all demonstrations of the very civility so needed in our society.
Recently, I attended the swearing in ceremony for the newly elected mayor of Lemon Grove and two new council members. Additionally the former mayor and two council members were honored for their service.
Family, friends and interested members of the community packed the meeting. Outside the open doors, however, a group stood talking loudly and complaining about some of the elected officials.
During public remarks and the official swearing-in ceremonies, they continued their loud and disruptive commentary, even booing at times.
When asked to show some respect, several immediately commented back: “They need to respect me first!” This is a race-to-the-bottom answer. While these people have the right to express grievance and disagreement during official meeting time, their inability to show respect for the ceremony regardless of who is involved demonstrates why civility remains a critical element in our society.
The following day, I told my student government class that the adults could have learned some good behavior examples from most of the students at our school.
So where do we go from here?
We must continue to teach our youth the importance of showing respect while allowing for disagreement, but more adults need to start modeling it in their lives as well. A helpful part of this is to move past viewing things through a lens of winners and losers.
Elected officials, supervisors and others in positions of power may have to make either/or decisions — but most of us, in our daily lives, do not.
We can co-exist with differing views and opinions and show others that they can respectfully co-exist with us. This is likely to be uncomfortable, but will pay benefits in lowering the levels of frustration-based anger we are seeing across the country.
It is also acceptable to demonstrate civility, not receive it in return, and disengage without showing anger from those who continue to be rude and disrespectful. Change is not always a mutual bargain, but since most people want to be respected, seeing it in action will inspire more people than turn them away.
Finally, showing civility opens the door for talking with, rather than talking at, each other. There will always be disagreements among people, but removing the reflex to attack the person can allow for a discussion of ideas resulting in the discovery of areas of agreement.
We live in a time of great, and often disruptive, change. A friend, who is a former elected official, was fond of saying “Anger is often fear with a funny hat.”
The upheavals in our society and world have generated a lot of fear, and that fear has absolutely resulted in anger. Neither the fear nor anger will go away by continuing to disrespect and shout down people who disagree with our own views. Those choices will just amplify the problem.
Starting with showing civility, even when it’s hard, turns down our national temperature and starts the process to bring more of us together rather than pushing us apart. It’s the new year’s time for resolutions, so take it from the students: Things are calmer, more productive and happier when we resolve to be champions for civility.
Jay Steiger is a middle school teacher in the Poway Unified School District and serves as the vice chair of the Valle de Oro Community Planning Group. The views expressed are his own.
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